I miss the innocence I've known.

Yesterday, I turned 18. I am now officially, in the eyes of the law, an adult. Yet, nothing in my life has changed. I feel different, not a good different, and not a bad different, just different. I suddenly feel the urge to do strange things such as, respecting my elders and doing my own laundry. I'm starting to show signs of this chronic disease they call 'maturity'. Don't ask me what exactly it is, because I don't rightly know yet. I do know that one side effect is becoming increasingly annoyed by those who don't suffer from the same. I've never really had anything to be responsible for, and a side of me is starting to crave responsibility. I remember being a small child and counting down the days until I turned 18. Yet another side of me wishes that I could go back and do all 18 years over again. Everything was so simple and innocent. I guess it's just human nature to have regrets, and until Bill and Ted lend me their elevator there's nothing I can do about those regrets but learn from them. I guess when you turn a year older, a day older, a minute older, things don't just automatically change. You have to work for the change, and eventually it will come. So I made a list. I stayed awake until the wee hours of the morning creating it. It is a list of everything that I need to change about myself, and goals that I have created for myself. I am going to keep the list under my pillow, and re-read it every night. I know the person I want to be, and I know the place I want to be. For some silly reason I thought that turning 18 would instantly make me that person. This maturity disease has made me come to realize that it isn't so. Holy shit. I am an adult. Where has my life gone? Just the thought makes my stomach sour. Since as far back as I can remember, I felt like an animal in the zoo. Caged up, with nothing but dreams of freedom. But now, the cage door is wide open, yet I'm not leaving. I'm not ready for total freedom, and I've made a home of this cage. This entire school year my english teacher has been telling our class that we would all go through a senior crisis. She said we'd all realize that we were about to have control over our futures and have no idea what to do with all the power. I finally understand what she was saying. So for now, I am going to sit back, and let things flow. I'm going to start working on the person I want to be, and hope for the best. Then maybe next year, when I blow out 19 candles on my birthday cake, the change I was hoping to see this morning, will be more than just a wish. Oh yeah, and Happy birthday to me.