I miss smiling, and actually meaning it.

I'm stuck. I think the reason it's so hard for me to blog is because nothing is going on in my life. Well, actually, so much is going on in my life I can't count all the happenings on my fingers. But it feels like nothing is happening because what is happening is insignificant to me. What's happening is what needs to happen, not what I want to happen. I've grown so weary of the same ol' dog days. I'm running on empty. I haven't done the things I love doing in such a long time. Simple things. I survive on doing new things. I live on the simple beauty in life. I can't seem to find anyone who feels so passionately about the same things as I do. Therefore, it is hard for me to experience these things because the experience is not worth it if it's not shared. It's also not worth it if those who you share it with don't feel for it in the way you do. Or at least close to the same feelings. It makes me miss Jana. I miss laying in the front yard staring at the night sky in wet grass having conversations over constellations. I miss morning walks that ended with laying in dandelions, making crowns and sharing riddles. I miss sitting in the tall grass outside the school eating sunflower seeds and reading Vonnegut. I miss doing absolutely nothing, and still making the most memorable moments. I miss actually DOING things without having to actual DO something. I miss never wanting to leave a certain place in time. I miss taking chances. I miss imagination. I miss eagerness. I miss curiosity. I miss the unpredictable. I miss making sense of that which doesn't. It's all so simple to obtain, yet I'm suddenly living without any of it. Is it me, or is it outside forces? I feel like if I live for too much longer without what I yearn for, I'm going to have a breakdown. I'm hoping that the track I'm on right now will lead to finding it again. Why can't I get it back?