When you get to the promise land, you're gonna shake the eye's hand.

Remember when you were little: when before bed every night you would weave your tiny fingers and with all your might, clench your tiny hands along with your eyelids and recite your nightly prayers? My prayers would always start the same, "Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom Gods love, commits me here, ever this night, be at my side, to light, to guard, to rule and guide." then I would go on asking God to bless and protect everyone I knew, (I'd request each persons blessing by name(it took awhile)). Then I would fall asleep knowing, KNOWING, that everyone would make it through the night and the next day, because I asked the Lord to protect them, and he would. I no longer have these feelings of assurance. As you grow up, it's human nature to start questioning authority. Even the all mighty authority. Then when you do not get the answers you were questing, you deny that authority altogether. And your faith slowly starts to slip from your grasp. I have denounced my faith over and over, even in the times I knew it was impossible. So often have I lied to myself and overthrown that gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach, that voice screaming, "Liar! You know you believe! Coward! You feel your truth just accept it! You traitor!" I would choose not to believe. My faith and my logic forever in what seemed like an eternal battle. Eventually though, my faith would grow weary and retreat as my logic stood proud basking in it's victory. If you choose to repeatedly accept something that you did not initially, it will eventually become a truth. Though I did not claim to know 'the ultimate truth', nor think anyone ever could. I was content with that. More than content, I was happy with that. Because in a way, that meant I had to answer to no one. There were not boundaries in life to hold me back. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted and suffer no consequences in the end. What I've come to realize though, in losing my faith, is that the happiness that I seemed to have had isn't true happiness. I miss my blind spirituality. The most ethereal experience I've ever had is standing in a great cathedral in front of a 2 story high open mouthed organ bellowing songs of praise and worship. Now when I question higher deities, when I try to believe, that same feeling is back, only this time it's changed it's opinion of my thoughts and that black mass that has consumed my soul hollers, "You know it's not true, don't be silly! The idea of a greater power is so illogical! Think about the facts! Proof proof proof! Only the WEAK live blindly in ignorance!", and my heart wilts. I hate this feeling of apathetic subsistence. So I am once more searching for that faith I have almost long since lost. I still have plenty of hope; and within hope is faith, so I do believe I'm off to a rather nice start.